Before we start, I should say: I’m not an EastEnders fan.
I know my Phils from my Grants, my Dots from my Peggys and my Johnnys from my Archies, but to tell you the truth, I don’t really get EastEnders.
You know what I am a fan of, though? EastEnders merch.
Here’s your guide to the very best EastEnders merch on the internet, from your Max Branning purse to all the furniture, clothes and accessories you can buy with Phil Mitchell’s perfectly round face on.
1. This aesthetic 90s-style Pat Butcher sweater
We’re starting in a pretty good place, actually. Truth be told, I rather like this sweater.
Pat Butcher’s always been aesthetically eccentric, so you might say she makes a perfect print.
It’s got everything you want: two (two!) photos of Pat Butcher in her signature loud garb and absurd earrings, and her name printed in what I’m 99.9% certain is the same font used in the 2002 game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
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2. Michelangelo’s The Creation of Pat Butcher
Sad to say I’ve never been to the Sistine Chapel before.
That said, I have seen it in movies, so I know what it looks like.
But now, whenever I see Michelangelo’s masterpiece in all its glory, I think: “Yeah. This is pretty good. Be better if Pat Butcher was on there, though.”
I gaze upon the Monkey’s Paw. Its finger curls:
Ok, if we’re being completely honest, it doesn’t make sense to make a posthumous tribute to Pat Butcher out of a painting that was, in fact, intended to show how God brought man to life.
Then again: ask me if I care.
3. Phil Mitchell’s face on everything
While I’m here, actually, I’ve been having a clearout.
Do you fancy this drawstring bag with Phil Mitchell’s face on?
No? Fair enough. How about this face mask with two photos of Phil Mitchell’s face on?
Pillow with Phil Mitchell’s face?
Pillow with Phil Mitchell’s face, but he’s angry?
Not interested in any of them? All right, your loss. Reckon they’ll end up decent investment items, myself.
4. The Max Branning Purse
Not really sure what to say about this one except it’s the nicest purse ever made.
5. A face mask of Dot Cotton’s mouth with a cigarette in it
I’m not an anti-masker (obviously), but I am sympathetic to the idea there’s a level of expressive intuition you simply can’t access when everyone’s got half their face covered up.
Anyway, that won’t be a problem anymore:
6. This phone case with a motivational quote about Sonia Jackson
I’m not convinced that any soap character should be looked up to, to be honest. They all end up being villains at some point.
That said, I am willing to bow at the altar of the Church of Sonia Jackson after seeing this phone case.
Yes, I know you can’t see her face. Yes, I know you wouldn’t be able to tell who she is if it didn’t say in the text.
Why does that matter?
7. A Pepsi Max t-shirt except it’s Max Branning
Thinking about what to wear on your first date once the pandemic’s over and we’re allowed to speak to strangers in person again?
Don’t fret, pet – I’ve got you covered:
Trust me. Soon as they see it, you’ll be breaking social distancing in the best way possible, if you get me.
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