Name: Your jeans.
Age: This pair? A couple of years now.
Still looking good, though they could do with a wash. You’d get that nice, tight, fresh, just-washed feel too. Not yet. I did them on … [checks clothes-wash diary] … 7 January. A few more days yet …
What? But you wore them yesterday, the day before and … True, but denim should only be washed once a month.
Says who? Says Clothes Doctor.
Who the hell is Clothes Doctor? Are they even a doctor or any kind of medical professional? Show me qualifications. They are experts in laundry, and they are on Instagram.
Oh, excuse me. Let’s all bow down to the Clothes Doctor, then. Pray, share some of their wisdom. They posted: “What if we told you that many fabrics really don’t need frequent washing, and some are actually better off washed as infrequently as possible?”
But why would you not wash your every day jeans more often? It’s about balance – “between keeping things clean, but not needlessly wearing out your clothes, releasing tons of microfibres and using unnecessary energy and water”.
Hmm, less often equals greener. Exactly. Also, Clothes Doctor also says cotton should be washed at 30C (86F).
And how often does Clothes Doctor suggest – sorry prescribe – for the washing of cotton items? Every three to four wears. Likewise, silk, linen and synthetics.
What if it’s socks? Or underwear? Once every couple of months is fine … no, obviously there will still be wear-once items. The point is not to bung things in the machine for the sake of it; think about whether they actually need washing.
Wool, cashmere? Not even once a month.
Leather and suede? Not even once a year. Depends on what you’ve been up to in your leather and suede, I suppose.
Just wearing it on my feet, really. Oh, I see … your shoes. They don’t really need to go in the machine at all.
And ferrets? Different story – I did see it – the ferret who survived a 100-minute wash cycle. But it was lucky; ferrets are best handwashed.
Back to the point, though: I guess it doesn’t matter so much now, how often you wash your clothes? Oh, I see, because you’re not seeing anyone in the flesh? No one knows if you’re a bit whiffy on Zoom.
Do say: “The first jeans, produced by Levi Strauss in the 1870s, were for workers, miners and cattlemen. They’re meant to be a bit grubby.”
Don’t say: “I’m not even wearing jeans – or indeed anything below the waist.”